Poor Fathering

My older daughter, Samara, called to ream me out for not being enough of a father. I didn't know what to say. Rainy day, so no yard-work, mostly I slink around, considering my failures. With my girls, I thought we had an arrangement, when they needed to talk they called. Wrong, despite the fact that everyone knows you can't reach teenage, now Samara is 21, young women, and have any kind of conversation on a cell phone. My bad. Mope around like an old cyborg. Actually call Marilyn and open channels to call Rhea at home. Not too bad, I can deal with it. I'll call Samara more often, usually getting her in her car, little hits. It's hard to know, at this distance, what else to do. I can't fly anymore, can't afford it anyway. Ricky Lee Jones singing something I can't quite understand, but sounds like she feels like me. I was a good father, before Marilyn ran me off; but I had to get far from the scene, after the severance, because I was in such pain. A wounded animal. The mud I needed, as plaster to my wounds, I found here. Sometimes you just do what you have to do. I couldn't afford to stay out west, I never would have owned land again, lived a nomadic life that really doesn't suit me. I'm domestic and a creature of habit. I have all these books. I hate moving. My earliest memories are moving, tucked in the back seat with a pile of books. Being a navy brat isn't easy. You grow uncertain about relationships. I surprised a mouse at the communal bag of basmati rice, we waved, it was a magic moment. Didn't send last night, got maudlin. Needed to self-edit. Call Samara, got her in her car, short and sweet. So much modern discourse is tedious and, finally, stupid. Cleaning Supply Store, looked fondly at the Clean Boy 550, probably not in the budget, and I'd have to find a place to store it. Unpacked the Functional Ceramics show. Functional is a relative term but there is some beautiful stuff; three artists, three completely different techniques, both throwing and firing. You can go to the museum web-site and see some images. I love Anthony's work, the anagama fired stuff, and he's a loveable teddy bear personally, usually wearing over-alls and grinning. He passes himself off as Amish, throws pots standing up. Sara and I will set the show, D and Carma off to Kitty Hawk. I always look forward to setting a show, always learn something, and working with Sara is interesting and enjoyable, the nuance of color and position, and handling the pieces is an enjoyable part, becoming an instant critic. God, the green is so intense, I go outside to pee, a thousand shades and everything growing. Walled in on every side, a jungle. There should be monkeys here, where are those prop guys? drinking beer again across the alley? fuck Happy Hour, we have a show to open. I make a note to remind my older daughter that I have another show opening soon. Part of Poor Fathering is that you just don't get it. Me, for instance. Recently bit by a spider, I'm sure I'll have to lose a chunk of flesh. I could do that, whatever you require, a middle finger, a piece of my back, my nose, sight in one eye, whatever sacrificial mode you demanded, I have to think about this, what I thought I meant. Get back to you later. Another power failure. Intense thunder cells. The house shakes. The wind in the trees is so loud I wish I had earphones and a storm cellar. Bach is good, when the world is imploding. Being at the end of the line is a state of mind. I heard a report about water use in drought-stricken California, where they were limited to 150 gallons a day, per household. I use less than 3 gallons a day, and wonder where I could save: clearly, we're not on the same page. A factor of fifty seems ridiculous. Stars, and a new beginning, it was the quiet that woke me. Where did the wind go? Suddenly nothing. Merely a lull. Beat the time, yes, yes, yes, then no, a line we cannot cross. Liza gets this, Glenn does, it's a thing that happens, Barnhart could make sense of it, I trust his sense of time, but it's an iffy situation. The downbeat. Power on, I'll ship this and start another.