The River

At the ugly jetty (broken pieces of concrete with dabs of concrete, truck clean-outs, holding it together) the river current, maybe 4 knots, was perfect for the standing whirlpool. It had trapped so much debris that it was almost a solid surface. Three crows landed and walked around on it. A tube of river fog was completely confined by the banks, maybe 100 feet tall. It must be spring, birds are fucking in the parking lot. May have enlisted paid help for some yard work, a good guy, former student of D's, needs gas money. I'm a little ahead, because the IRS, in their infinite wisdom, sent me more money than I figured. Can't understand the refund, since I file a 1040EZ, with one W2, one simple subtraction and look up the number in the tables. I did it twice. $150 extra: I told the kid I could give him $75 and dinner to help me for 6 or 7 hours. Support your local artist. I'm almost a month ahead on money and it's been 10 years since I could say that. It's been a haul. Without you, starting when I wrote "Notes From The Cistern", there is no way I could have made it. I'll never forget writing that book, it was such an intense time. By necessity, I couldn't afford a therapist, and I was all alone, so I could talk out loud. Which I did. Literally, my desk, my working surface, was a sheet of plywood on saw-horses. I had a VCR and one movie, it never occurred to me to rent another, I was living hand to mouth, so I watched "Independence Day" forty or fifty times. Watched is not the right word. I didn't really watch it but it was on. I do a very bad Will Smith imitation. Raining hard, I might have to leave. I've saved you. We'll meet later for coffee. No thunder yet but the leaves are turning inside out. Pegi and I talked about some of her kids at the Cirque, she reaches out, subsidizes those that can afford, she does everything, she's magic. But she can't change any particular set of circumstances. Beating your head against a wall doesn't make any difference, the absolutely frightening aspect of this, there's nothing you can do. A child is fully formed before three, anything else you're doing for yourself. Keep them home at night, make them study, right. You're doing the correct thing, staying a breast of the situation. Consider words that are used incorrectly, drives me crazy, but I can do it now, I found my voice. I call to that last hole in the ground, that last disturbance in a pile of leaves. What about that? Nothing means nothing, I read a book about zero recently, reread, actually, and thought about nothing. I came up with nothing new, but spent a delightful evening. Nothing is an interesting subject.