Paper Cut

It's a dream, but enough to shake me. Maybe we all feel inadequate. Maybe it's a fact of life. I do a lot of things well but I make a lot of mistakes along the way. I was (in the dream) hanging a painting, lost my grip, and put my fist through a valuable piece of canvas. Harmonics, ringing changes. I don't have anyplace to be, so I get up and roll a smoke, pour a short drink, the night is young, better than tossing and turning. Tune the radio to some great guitar playing, not wanting to really listen, I play it low, just barely into the realm of hearing. A presence, but not something loud enough to distract me. I go about my business, it seems to me, trying to not make waves. There are a few people I try to please, nothing else matters much. My sense of self is critical, and because I live alone I'm allowed some quiet time, which is increasingly important. I can drift off, thinking about fall colors, Valerie's ankles, an imagined installation, a certain fox, ways I could cut my water use. I can think about anything, not think, simply be in the natural world, without someone calling me back. A field guide to living in the world. These are your tools, this is the world. The more things change the more they're the same. The more you lose the more you gain. Explain that. I don't want to fight, I have no argument with anyone, and I'm don't fight well. I never learned to play an instrument, wish I could, but wishing is seldom enough. I resist testing, scores, rating in any form. I don't want to be compared to anything, what I really want, in the morning light, is just a Circus Show, no frills, but a statement. The acrobat that I am, I docent several families through, one group, from the big city, are surprised we even exist. We play the games we choose to play. I've done nothing wrong. Reality changes. It's up to you to find meaning. Interesting, because we have this show, and this is where it all comes together, I guess it's ok, I'd rather the floor was covered with sawdust, but I guess it's fine. Set the show, I set the bar fairly high. It's a habit.